Sometimes ...

Deciding when to get my haircut is sometimes a drawn out affair. Sometimes it isn't.

Somtimes you'd rather not mess with bangs, and sometimes you're sick of not having any.

I got a haircut last week. My appointment cancelled on me for Tuesday night. I felt anxious to get it done, so I found someone else. Anxiety doesn’t mean we’re totally off our rocker. Sometimes, it just means we’re having a hard time following our own inspirations. 

And sometimes you get a really good cut too. =]

 ~vbb
PS I'm done grading papers for Ashford University for at least a few weeks. I hope to post more on my blog now that I have a little more mental space.

Got Needs?

Why is it that when you ask some people for help (and even offering to pay them for that help), they think you want a lecture on how to avoid needing their help?

Maybe what they’re really saying is that they really need some help but don’t know how to ask for it nor even what it is they really need.

When a person has a need (internally or externally created) for help from someone, they have amazing ways of communicating that need if we really listen. 

… And sometimes they just tell you the boring way, with words.

~vbb

Teasing the Positive

Amplify the positive outliers: The most efficient way to get the behavior you're looking for is to find positive deviants and give them a platform, a microphone and public praise. Seth Godin

I really hate the ‘change your attitude, change your life’ thoughts and quotes and junk. Really hate them. For me it just smacks too much of just ignoring the bad stuff and forcing life to be good. 

Godin's thoughts somehow over come that for me. 

Because they also speak of the good coming from outside of one self, good that one doesn’t have to create, just good that one needs tease in to taking center stage. 

Because sometimes there’s really not a lot of good going on inside no matter how hard one tries.

And because sometimes persistent teasing is the only thing one is capable of doing reliably. 

Now if only I can stay on target with my amplifications and teasing . . .

~vbb

Good Godin!

Recently my niece introduced me to Seth Godin’s blog. I’ve read his books, Tribes and Stop Stealing Dreams, and I’m loving his blog. He’s like a modern day Emerson. Here’s a few of his recent posts and my comments:

Note for note 

I'm listening to an obscure CD of the Silver Beats , a group of four Japanese lads who play note for note renditions of Beatles songs. They don't speak a word of English. And yet they sing beautifully. 

I saw them as an opening act a few years ago, and the novelty was extraordinary. 

The thing is, I don't want to see them again. Why would I? It's note for note. No chance for random rhapsodic moments. No chance for total disaster. 

Part of the magic of our work is that it's not guaranteed. As soon as it is, we can digitize it or mechanize it or outsource it.

So not being a guaranteed happy mom is just job security??

Amplify the positive outliers 

The most efficient way to get the behavior you're looking for is to find positive deviants and give them a platform, a microphone and public praise. 

The tribe is hyper-aware of what's being celebrated, and when you celebrate those that are moving in the right direction, you create a powerful push in that direction. It's tempting to spend your time extinguishing bad behaviors, but in fact, spreading the word about the superstars is far more likely to change the culture of your market.

AND another reason not to wallow in what I’m doing wrong or what others are doing are or what is just wrong. Seems I need lots of reminders about this, and I’m grateful God continues to tell me in new ways.

"I don't even know what I'm afraid of" 

This is the fear that kills brands and b2b sales and individual creativity. It's the fear without a name, without a face, without false facts that can be shot down or arguments that can be reasoned with. 

This is the amygdala firing, the lizard brain being triggered without rational explanation. 

When we are wrestling against the elusive and resilient fear with no name, often the only choice is to live with it, to care enough about forward motion and practical progress that we can come embrace the inner trembling that won't give up. 

In market after market paralyzed with fear, this trembling might be the very best sign that you're on to something.

I’m struggling with fears concerning several issues in my life. Godin gives me understanding and tools here to keep moving.

Compared to magical 

The easiest way to sell yourself short is to compare your work to the competition. To say that you are 5% cheaper or have one or two features that stand out--this is a formula for slightly better mediocrity. 

The goal ought to be to compare yourself not to the best your peers or the competition has managed to get through a committee or down on paper, but to an unattainable, magical unicorn. 

Compared to that, how are you doing?

This reminds me of a previous blog post about seeing goals as Stars rather than Sticks. I’m praying for ways to have a vision of Stars so that I can keep moving with some of my cherished goals.

Check out his blog! You just might be inspired too!

~vbb

Weeding in Wisdom & Order

Yesterday Rob left for another business trip on an overnight sleeper and will get home Friday morning. I was really, really worn out, and his leaving was really hard. As much as I prayed and worked to stay on top of things, I finally sent the kids to bed early and retreated to my bedroom. I did a little Chinese study and then watched a movie. I went to bed still choking in my frustrations. 

Emails to and from dear friends helped, and this morning I read Alma 6 about establishing order in the church. They wrote off the prideful and welcomed the repentant. Then they sought to preach the Gospel to ALL and prayed continually for those who knew not God. As I read I wondered in awe at God’s ability to order His church for our best growth. And I also wondered if that pattern could apply to how I bring order to those desires I was nurturing in my life. 

It did. I found great relief in weeding out desires currently based on pride and welcoming in desires that met my goals to best serve my family and not run faster than was needful (Mosiah 4:27). I can still pray for the right opportunity to meet the desires that had previously been based on pride. The main activity I weeded was a simple activity really, but one that, given my current situation, can only be met if I put pride first. Right now prayer really is the best way to meet the need I was pridefully trying to meet at the wrong time and in the wrong way. And God answered another prayer, that of easing my burden even in the midst of other struggles we are facing as a family (Mosiah 24:13-15 and hopefully soon 16).

Sigh. Such a sweet miraculous peace that comes from a truly wonderful and loving Father in Heaven. If you have desires that need weeding and feel so inspired, try following the pattern found in Alma 6!

~vbb

GREAT questions & answers

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. Mother Teresa

If you judge someone, you answer life’s Great questions for someone else.

Nothing is more powerful in someone’s life than answering a Great question.

Which questions are yours and which belong to someone else to answer?

GREAT!

I love you!

~vbb

Working Hard & Hardly Working

Sometimes it’s difficult to know whether one should work hard being content with their lot, or if one should work hard at changing their lot.

Thankfully, working hard at anything good is its own reward.

. . . Is that why those days when working hard is hardly working are so frustrating?


~vbb

"Worst Case Scenario . . ."

'Worst Case Scenario' is really a misnomer.

If we believe in the goodness of God, then we should consider any worst case scenario as really only another Great scenario.

The Greatness of a 'worst case scenario' is simply so different from that of a best case scenario, however, that . . . well, it's just too Great for our understanding until we've actually experienced it!

Great . . . ;)

~vbb

P.S. Before anyone asks, I'm not experiencing, nor my family either, any unusual 'worst case scenarios'. This just sprang from my own naturally random thoughts.

Easter Franging

Easter snuck up on us this year, which has happened before, but here in China that mistake is less forgivable. Then this morning I got a second chance to feel like the Easter Bunny while practicing the fine art of franging, and I realized that the evidence of Easter is everywhere.

Yes, He really, really lives.

~vbb

Is it absolutely true

that a goal MUST be written down in order to be effective or viable or even worth making?

Goals are stars to steer by, not sticks to beat yourself with.

Barbara Smith

I have a goal that I'm working on right now, but I've been in the stick business for so long (think Personal Progress, very first goals) and this goal is so important to me that it's probably more of a prayer.

I think there's a hierarchy of goals based on how much of your heart it demands. Some, like a 'to do' list, may demand very little. This goal of mine (and, no, I'm NOT going to write it down despite the suspense it may be causing some of you ;) is demanding a LOT from my heart. Other goals may be somewhere in between those two. Whether or not it requires a written evidence of the goal, depends on a person's ability to keep that goal demanding what they want it to from their heart.

So, if anyone has a goal that you feel loathe to write down. Don't! Especially if it helps you look up enough that you can't find your stick!

~vbb

Frang, Frung, Franged, Franging

For those who missed it on Facebook

As the proud owner of 5 drying racks (count them FIVE, NOT including the stair rail which could count as 3-4 more) and no mechanical laundry dryer, I'm coining three new words today:

frang- v. the fine art of hanging laundry up to dry
frund- n. any laundry hung up to dry
afrang- v. the fine art of adjusting frund so that the dry stuff gets put away and everything still wet can dry more efficiently.
conjugate like 'hang' (yes, I like the innuendo there . . . ;)

I frang, therefore I am. 

(Yes, I'm a little tired of frund! . . . Now back to my regularly scheduled Thursday.)

Christmas Sacrament Meeting talk

OK, here's the talk I gave today. I was last after our Christmas program. I didn't have much time. I skipped everything before the **** about about 1/4 of the rest of it, skipping here and there. I'm really happy with how it went, though I have to admit I was a little annoyed at how little time I had even though the program was really nice. It was an interesting experience because of that; that's for sure.

Shanghai, China International Branch

Some of you may remember my husband, Robert Beckstrand, who spoke a few weeks ago. But just to review, we have 6 children ages 13 to 3, and we recently moved here from Mesa, AZ. Rob came in June and the rest of us came in August. Rob is from Nevada, and I'm from Phoenix, AZ. Rob served his mission in Japan with Sis Takeshige, and I served my mission in Argentina. Neither of us speaks Chinese, but we're getting along here pretty well so far, in part, due to the kindness of so many of you, particularly our neighbors the Lambs, the Lee’s and the Tao’s. Our family, like many of yours, has learned about working extra hard here just to meet our basic needs. One of my favorite things about the Savior is the opportunities he has offered us to work extra hard for an understanding of even the basic meaning behind His life, teachings, and atoning sacrifice.

The third chapter of the Gospel of John tells us about a Pharisee named Nicodemus. Nicodemus has seen something Good in the Savior that he wants to understand better so he comes to the Savior and asks: “Rabbi, we know that thou art a teacher come from God: for no man can do these miracles that thou doest, except God be with him.” The Savior’s response shows how anxious the Savior is for others to feel a nearness with God like himself, but how does He help Nicodemus do that? By giving him a puzzle, a puzzle that only makes sense when you take it out of the customary context that society has established as acceptable.

3 Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.

 4 Nicodemus saith unto him, How can a man be born when he is old? can he enter the second time into his mother’s womb, and be born?

 5 Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.

 6 That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.

Why does the Savior give Nicodemus a puzzle to solve here? Furthermore, how can any of us, with all the trappings of mortality, understand that knowledge that is important for us to grow spiritually and have the companionship of our Father in Heaven? The Savior said,

 7 Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again.

 8 The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit.

First off, we shouldn’t be surprised or bewildered about the mystery of the Spirit and those things not of this world. No matter who we are, we need to receive and believe the witness of others so that we can understand the Savior and the Salvation He offers us.

 9 Nicodemus answered and said unto him, How can these things be?

 10 Jesus answered and said unto him, Art thou a master of Israel, and knowest not these things?

 11 Verily, verily, I say unto thee, We speak that we do know, and testify that we have seen; and ye receive not our witness.

 12 If I have told you earthly things, and ye believe not, how shall ye believe, if I tell you of heavenly things?

 13 And no man hath ascended up to heaven, but he that came down from heaven, even the Son of man which is in heaven.

 14 And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up:

 15 That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.

**** 

16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Nicodemus must have understood Him at least a little because he later defends the Savior to the Pharisees and also brings spices to his burial. That last verse, however, has been on my mind a lot in preparation for this Christmas Sacrament talk. God loves the world, and He really wants us to have everlasting life with Him. So He sent His Son to be the Savior of the world. But He didn’t just give us a Savior. He gave us the puzzle of the birth of His Son. As I was chatting with some friends about this talk, one of them said, jokingly, “be sure and tell the part about Santa bringing his reindeer to the manger scene...most people would be perplexed if that was left out...” Today our challenge of finding our Savior in the midst of the materialism and other misleading traditions surrounding this holiday is no less challenging than it was for the Jews who were searching for their Messiah, their deliverer, who came in the form of a baby that depended entirely on others for even the most basic needs. And not only did He come as a baby but He was also conceived in a socially unacceptable way to a Very poor family in tumultuous times.

Mary is a great example of someone for whom the Savior’s birth was a puzzle. In Luke we read:

26 And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth,

27 To a virgin espoused to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David; and the virgin’s name was Mary.

28 And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.

29 And when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying, and cast in her mind what manner of salutation this should be.

30 And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God.

31 And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name Jesus.

32 He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest: and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David:

33 And he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end.

34 Then said Mary unto the angel, How shall this be, seeing I know not a man?

35 And the angel answered and said unto her, The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God.

. . .

38 And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word. And the angel departed from her. (Luke 1:26-38)

And what does she learn by submitting to the Lord and receiving that witness? What does the puzzle look like when she has a chance to figure things out a little?

Talking to her cousin Elizabeth who is also big and uncomfortable with her own puzzle, Mary speaks aloud the thoughts of her heart:

46 . . . My soul doth magnify the Lord,

47 And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour.

48 For he hath regarded the low estate of his handmaiden: for, behold, from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed.

49 For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his name.

50 And his mercy is on them that fear him from generation to generation. (Luke 1: 38-50)

For the Jews as a nation, however, this puzzle became an ongoing struggle for them. According to the Bible Dictionary, “many Jews . . . were looking only for a deliverer from the Roman power and for greater national prosperity; so when the Messiah came, the nation as a whole rejected him. Only the faithful were able to see in Jesus of Nazareth the true Suffering Servant of Isa. 53, as well as the true Prophet, Priest, and King of Israel.”

What did God send us when He sent His Son? He sent the world an opportunity not only to worship His Son but also an opportunity to serve a helpless Baby born to a family with very little worldly goods, social status or even societal acceptance.

In a talk by Elder Holland entitled, “Maybe Christmas Doesn’t Come From A Store” he says, “One impression which has persisted with me recently is that this is a story—in profound paradox with our own times—that this is a story of intense poverty. I wonder if Luke did not have some special meaning when he wrote not “there was no room in the inn” but specifically that “there was no room for them in the inn.” (Luke 2:7; italics added.) We cannot be certain, but it is my guess that money could talk in those days as well as in our own. I think if Joseph and Mary had been people of influence or means, they would have found lodging even at that busy time of year. I have wondered if the Inspired Version also was suggesting they did not know the “right people” in saying, “There was none to give room for them in the inns.” (JST, Luke 2:7.)

“Furthermore, “I wonder what emotions Joseph might have had as he cleared away the dung and debris. I wonder if he felt the sting of tears as he hurriedly tried to find the cleanest straw and hold the animals back. I wonder if he wondered: “Could there be a more unhealthy, a more disease-ridden, a more despicable circumstance in which a child could be born? Is this a place fit for a king? Should the mother of the Son of God be asked to enter the valley of the shadow of death in such a foul and unfamiliar place as this? Is it wrong to wish her some comfort? Is it right He should be born here?”

“At this focal point of all human history, a point illuminated by a new star in the heavens revealed for just such a purpose, probably no other mortal watched—none but a poor young carpenter, a beautiful virgin mother, and silent stabled animals who had not the power to utter the sacredness they had seen. Shepherds would soon arrive and later, wise men from the East. Later yet the memory of that night would bring Santa Claus and Frosty and Rudolph—and all would be welcome. But first and forever there was just a little family, without toys or trees or tinsel. With a baby—that’s how Christmas began.”

What can we do to solve this puzzle of our Savior’s birth in our own hearts? Share the joy of His love, worship him in our hearts and our actions, and serve Others just as the shepherds did, and the wise men, and Mary and Joseph, along with untold others.

In 3 Nephi the Savior says:  “Therefore, hold up your light that it may shine unto the world.  Behold I am the light which ye shall hold up—that which ye have seen me do.  Behold ye see that I have prayed unto the Father, and ye all have witnessed.

  And ye see that I have commanded that none of you should go away, but rather have commanded that ye should come unto me, that ye might feel and see.“ (3 Nephi 18: 24-25)

The shepherds and the wise men all were true to the light and understanding of the Savior’s birth and they came and felt and saw the joy of that great event.

The Gospels don’t include a record of the kind souls that might have helped this Holy family in the midst of their intense poverty. But I suspect that there were many who served the Savior and His family just as He later describes when talking of the final judgment. In Mathew 25:31-40 He says:

31 When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:

32  And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:

33  And he shall set the sheep on his ^aright hand, but the goats on the left.

34  Then shall the King say unto them on his ^aright hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:

35  For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:

36  Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

37  Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee?  or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

38  When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in?  or naked, and clothed thee?

39  Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

40  And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

In these verses we learn that we should serve the hungry, the thirsty, the stranger, the naked, the sick, and the imprisoned. From the story of the Savior’s birth we learn that we should also serve the helpless, the impoverished, and even those who have been rejected by the world.

God does a lot of things in puzzles that don’t make sense to the world. The birth of His Son is a wonderful puzzle that continues to challenge His children in every society and every culture. The challenges of understanding the way the Lord works are real. But that’s the point. So is the challenge of fitting ourselves for the kingdom of God. The challenges are is real and very personal. And when we overcome these challenges and solve these puzzles for ourselves, we qualify ourselves for the everlasting life that the Savior’s Mercy made possible. I testify that . . . In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Merry Christmas all!!!

~vbb

Finding

Yesterday morning when I found the courage to tell Rob to turn on the light as he left the bedroom so that I could read my Kindle PDF edition of the LDS General Conference report, I found this quote by Elder L. Tom Perry in his talk, Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear.

If you will respond to the invitation to share your beliefs and feelings about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, a spirit of love and a spirit of courage will be your constant companion.

The Spirit then helped me find a connection between my beliefs and feelings about the Truths of the Restored Gospel and my beliefs and feelings about Learning.

For almost two months now I have been pondering the idea of Learner Driven Education. Yesterday I found a free afternoon. The computer was free from kids doing distance studies. My emotions were free from whatever random hang ups and busyness. And I finally found the courage to start it! (It's a blog.) I hope to keep up enough worth while posts there that people find it a great resource. I have lots of ideas in my head, but regularly finding time and emotional space is going to be the clincher.

So now, hopefully you find my site as well! I’d love to hear what you think! And I hope you find it worth your while to check back often!

Ongoing Floods

I just want to reiterate how invasive and insidious this flood of guilt is for me. However, I’m grateful for Truth, where ever I find it, that helps me avoid this flood of guilt. And I’m grateful for friends who share their joys, and the blessings that help them overcome their challenges.

Yesterday I had a wonderful time sharing The Life of Abraham Lincoln by Henry Ketcham with two dear friends from church. We had a lovely discussion, but we also spent time sharing our experiences here in Shanghai, China. I love how, during this time just sharing with no burdensome agenda and no kids around, we can lift each other’s burdens without even trying to.

And yet, even in this safe environment, I almost got caught in a Flood of guilt again. We were discussing our preparations for the coming COLD here in Shanghai, and I found myself feeling guilty that I wasn’t working harder to prepare in the same way that my friends were. In the past this would have put cracks in my foundation. This time I caught myself, and it only scuffed my cement walls a bit (there is no dry wall in our home here in China, only cold loving cement).

I think that some of the guilt so many of us feel is an expectation from society that we should, indeed we must, avoid anything remotely not up to a certain standard, be it a standard of safety, of looks, or otherwise. My dear friend shared this song in a comment to another post below, and I wanted to share it here. As I’ve said in a previous post, our goal isn’t any earthly standard. The goal is to follow and be close to our Savior. This song beautifully reiterates that goal.

Rain, Floods, and a Deliverance

It was raining this morning, raining a deluge of burdens upon my mind and heart and threatening a flood to wash away my proverbial home from its foundation. Large or small, the size of flood is irrelevant. The reality of emotional burdens is real and paralyzing in any size. Some of these I have referred to in other posts both recent and not. Today the burden focused largely on what our family lacked materially. In the past I have resisted praying for humility or a freedom from desiring treasures on Earth rather than treasures in Heaven or gratitude. Did I then over look the real source of my troubles?

In Sunday School we discussed 1^st and 2^nd Peter, and in this verse God spoke to me. “That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 1:7).

Also in my heart, sits this thought from Ketcham's biography of Lincoln. "It can hardly be doubted that his mother's instruction was of more worth than all these put together. A woman who, under such limitations, had energy enough to teach her husband to read and write, was a rare character, and her influence could not be other than invaluable to the bright boy."

And once again, deliverance from a debilitating burden that poured down upon my head and threatened flooding.

Yeah for humility! Yeah for overcoming the lure of earthly riches! . . . Or was I just being ungrateful that such a burden weighed down so heavily upon me?

Maybe. But the message I heard in 1 Peter 1:7 wasn’t that I shouldn’t seek for earthly treasures. And the lesson I learned from Abraham Lincoln’s mother wasn’t that I should be humble in my trials. The message I heard, and once again and the message that gave me insight in order to truly understand and find liberating peace was that I didn’t have to seek earthly treasures. Furthermore, I didn’t need to feel guilty about it.

Life is hard in many ways for us right now, and the only riches I really need to be seeking are the ones from God. For that, I am truly grateful.

God bless each of you in your quests to overcome the Natural Man, and as you do,

may He

deliver you 

with Truth.

TRUMPED!

Life is slowly starting to feel a little normal and even a little doable here. We’re getting good at shopping, and piece by piece we’re making this house a home. However, sometimes the longing for stuff I left behind or other bits of home becomes a tangible and overwhelming ache.

On Sunday we had Branch Conference, and the District President, President Dyre gave the lesson. He started the class with a question, “Where is your home?” and followed up with “Where is your heart?” I didn’t dare answer because my heart immediately went to a storage unit in Cedar City, Utah. It certainly wasn’t at unit 88 of Ansheng Gardens in Shanghai, China, even though I spend a lot of time with my children there and even some time with my husband there. Through the course of the discussion, Pres. Dyre made the point that our home and our heart should be with our husbands. THAT I liked. THAT was something my heart could latch on to. THAT was something that could trump that ache in my heart for everything we’ve left behind.

Prayer answered, peace found, goal given.

Remembering, then Realigning

He taught them to keep the commandments of God, that they might rejoice and be filled with love towards God and all men Mosiah 2 : 4

And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God.  For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual Mosiah 2:41

Could I really ‘rejoice and be filled with love towards God and all men’? Where is that ‘happy state’ when all I feel is a deep and incredible emotional ache not unlike and partly due to intense physical exhaustion brought on by a multitude of stresses? I had sought earnestly to keep the commandments. Why was my heart so empty? How could I fulfill my duties as a mother and a daughter of God when such a great pain in my heart swamped me at every turn? Knowing that the Lord loved me and wanted to help me with the pain, I pleaded for understanding. Then I remembered Paul.

Paul tells us that “Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law” (Galations 3:13). What is the curse of the law? Certainly “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Additionally, however, the law only has “a shadow of good things to come, and not the very image” and can never make us perfect (Hebrews 10:1). Reading that “Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to every one that believeth” and that “love is the fulfilling of the law”, finally brought me peace (Romans 10:4 & 13:10).

My painful sense of quiet desperation had come on so subtly that I didn’t even understand what it was or where it was coming from until I sought for the peace promised me. Then, as I followed the Lord’s inspirations, I learned not only the solution to my pain, but also the source of that pain. The Law was all of the things I wanted to do, things that I wanted to do because of my desire to keep His commandments and serve His children. Christ and His love are the solutions to the curse of that law, and this Real Goal of seeking these gives us the ‘very image’ of things to come, despite and along with the realities of our daily challenges.

I’ve felt the peace confirming the truth of this personal inspiration and guidance. NOW I need to take stock of how my life and goals are aligned and then alter them accordingly. . . . Maybe sometime when I’m not quite so tired? (Kids, watch out for the lightening! It should be striking the house any minute. :} )

. . . finally!

I had an epiphany today. The kids were singing Primary songs, and this song hit me in a new way today.

If the Savior Stood Beside Me

Words and music by Sally DeFord

1. If the Savior stood beside me,

would I do the things I do?
Would I think of His commandments,
and try harder to be true?
Would I follow His example?
Would I live more righteously
if I could see the Savior standing nigh,
watching over me?

2. If the Savior stood beside me,
would I say the things I say?
Would my words be true and kind
if He was never far away?
Would I try to share the gospel?
Would I speak more rev’rently
if I could see the Savior standing nigh,
watching over me?

3. He is always near me,
though I do not see Him there,
And because He loves me dearly,
I am in His watchful care.
So I’ll be the kind of person
that I know I’d like to be
if I could see the Savior standing nigh,
watching over me.

Until today, whenever I thought of this song, I always perceived the effect of 'the Savior standing beside me' as something akin to driving past a police officer and slowing down or behaving better as a kid when the Bishop was around. After everything we've been through, however, I've started . . . 'thinking of' isn't the right phrase . . . It's more like 'feeling' how much love the Savior has for us. He's not easy to satisfy. I know that to be true, because He knows the blessings of us being diligent in our duty. BUT He is easy to please, and His eternal love is with us in everything we do.

And He is there for us in every struggle. "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." (Revelation 21:4) I don't believe that to be figurative. I believe it's literal--a thought that's almost too overwhelming to comprehend. And we make the world a better place when we choose to act with faith that, even though we can't see or even necessarily feel him, He is right there for us.

So somehow that finally got through to me today. And now my prayer is that I'll stay on course, remember this epiphany, and keep that faith.