Ongoing Floods

I just want to reiterate how invasive and insidious this flood of guilt is for me. However, I’m grateful for Truth, where ever I find it, that helps me avoid this flood of guilt. And I’m grateful for friends who share their joys, and the blessings that help them overcome their challenges.

Yesterday I had a wonderful time sharing The Life of Abraham Lincoln by Henry Ketcham with two dear friends from church. We had a lovely discussion, but we also spent time sharing our experiences here in Shanghai, China. I love how, during this time just sharing with no burdensome agenda and no kids around, we can lift each other’s burdens without even trying to.

And yet, even in this safe environment, I almost got caught in a Flood of guilt again. We were discussing our preparations for the coming COLD here in Shanghai, and I found myself feeling guilty that I wasn’t working harder to prepare in the same way that my friends were. In the past this would have put cracks in my foundation. This time I caught myself, and it only scuffed my cement walls a bit (there is no dry wall in our home here in China, only cold loving cement).

I think that some of the guilt so many of us feel is an expectation from society that we should, indeed we must, avoid anything remotely not up to a certain standard, be it a standard of safety, of looks, or otherwise. My dear friend shared this song in a comment to another post below, and I wanted to share it here. As I’ve said in a previous post, our goal isn’t any earthly standard. The goal is to follow and be close to our Savior. This song beautifully reiterates that goal.

Rain, Floods, and a Deliverance

It was raining this morning, raining a deluge of burdens upon my mind and heart and threatening a flood to wash away my proverbial home from its foundation. Large or small, the size of flood is irrelevant. The reality of emotional burdens is real and paralyzing in any size. Some of these I have referred to in other posts both recent and not. Today the burden focused largely on what our family lacked materially. In the past I have resisted praying for humility or a freedom from desiring treasures on Earth rather than treasures in Heaven or gratitude. Did I then over look the real source of my troubles?

In Sunday School we discussed 1^st and 2^nd Peter, and in this verse God spoke to me. “That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 1:7).

Also in my heart, sits this thought from Ketcham's biography of Lincoln. "It can hardly be doubted that his mother's instruction was of more worth than all these put together. A woman who, under such limitations, had energy enough to teach her husband to read and write, was a rare character, and her influence could not be other than invaluable to the bright boy."

And once again, deliverance from a debilitating burden that poured down upon my head and threatened flooding.

Yeah for humility! Yeah for overcoming the lure of earthly riches! . . . Or was I just being ungrateful that such a burden weighed down so heavily upon me?

Maybe. But the message I heard in 1 Peter 1:7 wasn’t that I shouldn’t seek for earthly treasures. And the lesson I learned from Abraham Lincoln’s mother wasn’t that I should be humble in my trials. The message I heard, and once again and the message that gave me insight in order to truly understand and find liberating peace was that I didn’t have to seek earthly treasures. Furthermore, I didn’t need to feel guilty about it.

Life is hard in many ways for us right now, and the only riches I really need to be seeking are the ones from God. For that, I am truly grateful.

God bless each of you in your quests to overcome the Natural Man, and as you do,

may He

deliver you 

with Truth.

TRUMPED!

Life is slowly starting to feel a little normal and even a little doable here. We’re getting good at shopping, and piece by piece we’re making this house a home. However, sometimes the longing for stuff I left behind or other bits of home becomes a tangible and overwhelming ache.

On Sunday we had Branch Conference, and the District President, President Dyre gave the lesson. He started the class with a question, “Where is your home?” and followed up with “Where is your heart?” I didn’t dare answer because my heart immediately went to a storage unit in Cedar City, Utah. It certainly wasn’t at unit 88 of Ansheng Gardens in Shanghai, China, even though I spend a lot of time with my children there and even some time with my husband there. Through the course of the discussion, Pres. Dyre made the point that our home and our heart should be with our husbands. THAT I liked. THAT was something my heart could latch on to. THAT was something that could trump that ache in my heart for everything we’ve left behind.

Prayer answered, peace found, goal given.

Remembering, then Realigning

He taught them to keep the commandments of God, that they might rejoice and be filled with love towards God and all men Mosiah 2 : 4

And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God.  For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual Mosiah 2:41

Could I really ‘rejoice and be filled with love towards God and all men’? Where is that ‘happy state’ when all I feel is a deep and incredible emotional ache not unlike and partly due to intense physical exhaustion brought on by a multitude of stresses? I had sought earnestly to keep the commandments. Why was my heart so empty? How could I fulfill my duties as a mother and a daughter of God when such a great pain in my heart swamped me at every turn? Knowing that the Lord loved me and wanted to help me with the pain, I pleaded for understanding. Then I remembered Paul.

Paul tells us that “Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law” (Galations 3:13). What is the curse of the law? Certainly “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Additionally, however, the law only has “a shadow of good things to come, and not the very image” and can never make us perfect (Hebrews 10:1). Reading that “Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to every one that believeth” and that “love is the fulfilling of the law”, finally brought me peace (Romans 10:4 & 13:10).

My painful sense of quiet desperation had come on so subtly that I didn’t even understand what it was or where it was coming from until I sought for the peace promised me. Then, as I followed the Lord’s inspirations, I learned not only the solution to my pain, but also the source of that pain. The Law was all of the things I wanted to do, things that I wanted to do because of my desire to keep His commandments and serve His children. Christ and His love are the solutions to the curse of that law, and this Real Goal of seeking these gives us the ‘very image’ of things to come, despite and along with the realities of our daily challenges.

I’ve felt the peace confirming the truth of this personal inspiration and guidance. NOW I need to take stock of how my life and goals are aligned and then alter them accordingly. . . . Maybe sometime when I’m not quite so tired? (Kids, watch out for the lightening! It should be striking the house any minute. :} )

"Foul. No repetition. Three - Love and game."

As much as I love it here in China, life has been pretty hard at times. We've been here about a month now, and rebuilding our lives after leaving so much behind is taking a really long time. And yes, sometimes all the stuff that I had to leave behind still haunts me.

Writing always has been a great comfort to me because of the insights I gain. Now that I have more space mentally, emotionally, and physically, I hope to do more writing. The previous post, composed almost entirely of questions, reminds me of my college experience learning about the value of asking a lot of questions. Early in my college years I watched the movie Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead at BYU's International Cinema. Several times during the course of the movie, Rosencrantz and Guildernstern play a game of questions:

Guildenstern: Whose serve?
Rosencrantz: Err...
Guildenstern: Hesitation! Love... one.
Rosencrantz: Whose go?
Guildenstern: Why?
Rosencrantz: Why not?
Guildenstern: What for?
Rosencrantz: Foul! No synonyms! One... all.
Guildenstern: What in God's name is going on?
Rosencrantz: Foul! No rhetoric! Two... one.
Guildenstern: What does it all add up to?
Rosencrantz: Can't you guess?
Guildenstern: Were you addressing me?
Rosencrantz: Is there anyone else?
Guildenstern: Who?
Rosencrantz: How would I know?
Guildenstern: Why do you ask?
Rosencrantz: Are you serious?
Guildenstern: Was that rhetoric?
Rosencrantz: No.
Guildenstern: Statement! Two all. Game point.

---

Rosencrantz: What's the matter with you today?
Guildenstern: When?
Rosencrantz: What?
Guildenstern: Are you deaf?
Rosencrantz: Am I dead?
Guildenstern: Yes or no?
Rosencrantz: Is there a choice?
Guildenstern: Is there a God?
Rosencrantz: Foul! No non sequiturs! Three... two, one game all.
Guildenstern: What's your name?
Rosencrantz: What's yours?
Guildenstern: You first.
Rosencrantz: Statement! One... love.
Guildenstern: What's your name when you're at home?
Rosencrantz: What's yours?
Guildenstern: When I'm at home?
Rosencrantz: Is it different at home?
Guildenstern: What home?
Rosencrantz: Haven't you got one?
Guildenstern: Why do you ask?
Rosencrantz: What are you driving at?
Guildenstern: What's your name?
Rosencrantz: Repetition! Two... love. Match point.
Guildenstern: Who do you think you are?
Rosencrantz: Rhetoric! Game and match!

---

Rosencrantz: Do you want to play questions?
Guildenstern: How do you play that?
Rosencrantz: You have to ask a question.
Guildenstern: Statement. One - Love.
Rosencrantz: Cheating.
Guildenstern: How?
Rosencrantz: I haven't started yet.
Guildenstern: Statement. Two - Love.
Rosencrantz: Are you counting that?
Guildenstern: What?
Rosencrantz: Are you counting that?
Guildenstern: Foul. No repetition. Three - Love and game.
Rosencrantz: I'm not going to play if you're going to be like that.

When was the last time you asked yourself lots of questions without hesitation, repetition, rhetoric, synonyms, or statements? Did it help you to unload some of your worries, stresses, and burdens?

 

You may be surprised at what you discover. (Statement. Game and match!)

Community vs Self-Reliance

Why do we have to work sooo hard to find ways to not need other people?

Why are we afraid of someone telling us they can't help us? Why are we afraid of asking the wrong person for help? Why are we afraid of not doing enough for ourselves?

Why are we afraid of helping someone with something they might be able to do themselves? Why are we afraid of someone asking for help with something they should do themselves? Why are we afraid of someone asking for something we can't help them with?

How do we know who needs help? How do we know how to help? How do we respond to people that we really can't help?

How will we conquer these fears and uncertainties?

By deciding that building a community of people who serve each other is more important than the possibility of damaging someone's self reliance?

By taking the time and thought, to ask the question.

Gliding in Chinese

I think that as part of the process of learning Chinese, I DO need to feel comfortable not speaking it and comfortable with my nonverbal forms of communication. I do, and I suspect that it's somehow similar to gliding on a two wheeler before confidently using the pedals. But I'm not sure how . . . Is it about learning to listen to the sounds? Or learning to hear more than the words?