Occasions & Transitions

Our society has a lot of great celebrations to mark happy and momentous occasions and transitions. As one who generally balks at riotous living, I am grateful for meaningful opportunities to act in a crazy, joyful manner contrary to my nature. We also have rituals to assist in coping with heartbreaking events and death. Generally these occasions are less than riotous, though not all of them are depressing. In the case of funerals, I’m grateful for Truth that by and large bypasses the depression. Appropriately, some events in our lives have no community based rituals to assist affected individuals in their journey through many of the 'shadows of death'. The community wide affects of events, such as the death of a marriage through divorce, are most suitably confronted privately. These events offer meaningful opportunities for deep personal enlightenment.

Recent events of grave infidelity and betrayal by an individual within one of my Tribes, as Oliver DeMille calls them, have offered me and many of my associates an opportunity to seek after that personal enlightenment as a means for coping with the damage to our hearts and our community. Providentially, within this struggle I have found a greater propensity to love Mercy more. Almost of its own accord, my heart reaches out to this child of God who is still a model for me of so many great qualities. Because of this, I find myself reaching out to my Savior with renewed faith in and understanding of His Mercy that He offers me. Unexpectedly now, I have even more profound reasons for celebrating the occasion of His birth.

Merry Christmas!!

Ummm, don’t even think about asking about the identity of this individual. I simply won’t answer. And please don't post it if you know. This family has suffered enough.

Finding Joy in the ONE

OK, here’s another song that has recently risen in status from ‘mildly annoying’ to ‘rather irritating’. (And don’t get me wrong. I really don’t hate every hymn in the LDS Hymn book. It’s just that the ones that challenge me are more fun to write about.=] ) It’s a lovely song, I’ll admit, though somewhat grudgingly:

Count Your Blessings

Sung Brightly (Ummm, are you kidding me?)
1. When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed, When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost, Count your many blessings; name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.
2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear? Count your many blessings; ev'ry doubt will fly, And you will be singing as the days go by.
3. When you look at others with their lands and gold, Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold. Count your many blessings; money cannot buy Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.
4. So amid the conflict, whether great or small, Do not be discouraged; God is over all. Count your many blessings; angels will attend, Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

The Chorus, in particular, has wrecked havoc on my sanity:
Count your blessings; Name them one by one. Count your blessings; See what God hath done. Count your blessings; Name them one by one. Count your many blessings; See what God hath done.



The following scripture has helped me understand my challenges with this hymn:

But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.
And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:
But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her. Luke 10:40-42

There are a lot of tasks our family could be running around stressing about. During this holiday season, one of the things I’ve worried about is my own aversion to the task of ‘counting our blessings’.

Just after the Thanksgiving holiday, there repeatedly entered into my heart the desire to redecorate my web browser theme. I ignored the idea for a while as unnecessary. When I finally took a moment to make the change, I began searching, as I usually did for browser decorations, under flowers. Only this time the thought occurred to me that with so many choices I should narrow it to what I had professed casually in the past to be my favorite flower, the daisy. And suddenly my eyes were so ‘tickled,’ as my grandmother used to say. Each picture of a daisy brought me so much joy. I searched out other websites for daisy pictures and found joy in the grand varieties of daisies.

I was completely amazed and beyond grateful at how much joy those pictures brought me. This experience reminds me of some things we’ve learned about Diabetes in our journey with Merisa who was recently diagnosed with Type 1. Put simply, Type One Diabetes is a disease where the body no longer produces the Insulin the body needs to absorb glucose. We’ve learned that exercise can also help the body absorb glucose. So if her blood sugar (the amount of sugar in her blood) is high, then exercise can bring it down. If her blood sugar is too high, however, only insulin will bring it down and exercise will only cause very harmful stress to the body.

So, our family has been experiencing lots of stress lately as financial pressures continue to mount, despite two years of efforts to relieve those pressures after Rob lost his job. I truly believe that it’s really come to the point where more “careful and troubled” effort on our part is not going to help. Rather, we need to choose “that good part, which shall not be taken away from” us. Sometimes that means just resting from all of our cares, including from all the voices around us with good intentions or not. And sometimes it means listening to the one thing our Father in Heaven is trying to tell us, even if He’s just telling us to look at pictures of Daisy’s on the internet.

So, in all our craziness I have no problem singing the song this way:

Count your blessing; Name it ONE, ONE, ONE! Count your blessing; See what God hath done. Count your blessing; Name it ONE, ONE, ONE! Count your single blessing; Love that special ONE!

Dear Grandma Ada,

Thank you for being my Grandmother!

Thank you for running away from the Draper snow to stay with a crazy teenager who really didn’t want any more old folks around. Thank you for enjoying the porch and the sunshine and the flowers in our back yard. Thank you for teaching me about dentures and Ben gay. Thank you for sharing your home with a crazy college student who still didn’t really want to spend all of her time with old people. Thank you for letting me hang your laundry on the line for you and watching you smell the sun dried clothes. Thank you for not always being a sweet and loving grandmother.

I love to remember you playing “Come, Come, Ye Saints” on the piano. I love to remember the home that Grandpa built for you, every nook and cranny. I love to remember you falling asleep during General Conference talks and waking up for the songs. I love to remember your garden and the flowers you took to church. I love to remember giving you hugs and holding your arm as you walked.

Thank you for the histories you left us. Thank you for the struggles you over came in life through your Faith and the ones you simply endured because of your Faith. Thank you for being that stalwart connection to others who also sacrificed so much for their Faith.

Every memory of you is a cherished treasure.

Love,
Verena


Grandma’s Attic
Grandma’s attic is full of strange inventions,
worn out tools, and snatches of memories.
Each fits together as the pages of a book.
This book teaches tomorrow’s grandmas’
about the lessons common to yesterday, today and tomorrow,
These lessons then infuse new life
into grandma’s attic full of strange inventions,
worn out tools and snatches of memories.

I guess it's a poem . . .
written in response to Arleta Richardson's In Grandma's Attic.

(Good grief! What is that costume I have on???)

Counting It All Joy

Almost two years ago I found a lump in my throat. This lump has grown and diminished and grown again until I could hardly breathe. A tumor? Cancer? No. Though I’m beginning to see an amazing amount of similarities between cancer and being unemployed or under employed. While facing these challenges I’ve taken a new interest in stories of those who have beaten seemingly insurmountable odds. My favorite is that of the pioneers in the Willie and Martin Handcart companies who came to know God in their extremities. As the kaleidoscope of life shifts, so do our goals. Currently it has become my sincerest and most humble desire to make the most of my own current extreme circumstances to become acquainted with God better than I ever realized I needed to or even could and to discard, like the Pioneers did, everything I could that would keep me from that goal. For He has truly been merciful during these amazing and challenging years while we have fought to find joy in the journey.

Too Heavy to Carry

As our financial stresses have grown continually heavier over time, the lump in my throat became regular night time attacks of fear and panic even while my day times were relatively happy and peaceful. Darla Isackson said it well, “The fear always pops up uninvited and unexpected, and ferocious in its attack.” During these night time episodes, “fear and negativity [certainly had become] the path of least resistance.” Satan’s fiery darts of shame, guilt, and fear beat relentlessly upon my worn down soul. Night after night I have pleaded in prayer for comfort but I experienced very little change. Then I found Sister Isackson’s article, “Fear Is a Lie”, on the Meridian Magazine and the healing could finally began. Her thoughts inspired me: “Because I have a soul-deep desire to live in light and truth, the best motivation I’ve found to weed out fear is simply to see that fear thoughts are lies.” As the truth of her words settled in my heart, I at last found a short reprieve from the night time attacks. However, as Sister Isackson explained, “In order to take advantage of the best, we have to let go of the worst; we have to weed out Satan’s influence and Satan’s lies.” Letting go of the worst proved an overwhelming task as I faced an impressive supply of fears concerning a variety of issues far beyond merely our financial situation. Sis Isackson said, “I wrote down my thoughts and challenged them, asking the Lord to help me see the truth.” Oh how I longed for the truth to overcome my fears, but how could I possibly face them individually when together they had become such a MOUNTAIN???

Still, in my own humble way I clung to my goal, waiting for more light and courage to assist in my journey. As Mark Twain said, necessity really is the mother of taking chances and recent assurances from General Authorities that there was no need to fear gave me added determination. Like Maurine J Proctor proclaimed in her article “How Can God Say ‘Fear Not’?”, “I [could] understand the shakings of the Children of Israel, stuck between Pharaoh’s army and the Red Sea, but I [didn’t] want to be them. I [really wanted] to take a journey like Moses, and leave my fears behind, littering the desert as too heavy to carry to the Promised Land.” Furthermore, the Savior’s own admonitions to the apostle Peter as he sank in the water (Matthew 14:30) and the disciples who feared perishing in the storm (Mark 4:39)—which had long puzzled me—gave me fuel for my deep pleadings, seeking for more light and understanding.

Sister Isackson’s words helped me rediscover the essential source of peace. “I am always in His hands, always spiritually safe, regardless of outward danger. That message increases in importance as calamity and evil increases in this world.” (emphasis added) I sensed a deep need to abandon all extraneous sources of peace and refocus my efforts to know God. I wanted my “confidence [to] wax strong in the presence of God” (D&C 121:45). In order to let go of my fears, however, I needed to understand God better.

He’s Not the Accuser

Sometimes I go several months without reading articles on The Meridian Magazine, but recently the Spirit has clearly directed me to important and timely Truths through His blessed Servants. Enter Maurine J Proctor’s article, “The Lord is Not the Accuser”.

“Some of us have a critic in our heads, an evaluator who whisks through our lives with white gloves, running a disapproving finger over the dust that seems to settle everywhere, taking notes of the ways we don’t quite measure up, and scolding us, invisibly, for our failings.” “If this critical voice is loud in good times, think how many decibels it raises when times are really tough—like the economic trials of the present.”

How could someone possibly know the incredible pain in my heart? How could they understand the lump in my throat that was never completely gone and which haunted my nights? Not just fear of external forces, but also that incredibly painful fear of not measuring up, of forever distancing myself from God, of failing to fulfill my Divine missions in life.

“Let us come to clarity. Let us be clear. The accusatory voice that you may hear inside you, which echoes and re-echoes down the stony corridors of your soul, is not God’s. He is plenteous in mercy, he is loving and gracious, slow to anger, long-suffering and full of goodness. He is the perfect parent.” Somehow as a passionate seeker of Truth, I had misfired and for many many years had became a prisoner of war to Justice. Sis Proctor finally helped release me from my unseen prison, and the gulf that separated me from His Love began to disappear. For “the word of God . . . is quick and powerful, which shall divide asunder all the cunning and the snares and the wiles of the devil” (Helaman 3:29).

Shortly thereafter, during one of my night time attacks, with humility and new trust in that Perfect Parent, I pulled out my Palm Pilot and began listing my fears and also, occasionally, those things I was grateful that I did NOT fear. My list of fears went on and on, and I rejoiced in the peace I found by simply facing my fears head on. I realized, as I recorded in my journal, that “The power of fear lies in its ambush qualities.”

The resulting peace was overwhelming. Still the night time attacks did not end, though they thankfully ebbed and flowed in their intensity. With renewed gratitude I continued on, sensing the incredible healing of a lifetime of hurt feelings and flawed habits slowly but miraculously, consciously, & consistently dropping away as “the spirit of fear” was replaced by “power, and . . . love, and . . . a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7) Slowly releasing myself from my prison, I spent the next few weeks refilling my “bowels” with “charity towards all men, and to the household of faith”. (D & C 121:45) The result? Days such that I recorded in my journal: “Yesterday was a dream. I felt so much love and peace in my heart.” There was no room for anything else. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for God’s Mercy that changed the lump in my throat to a heart filled with love and light which flowed “without compulsory means” (D & C 121:46) to my family in ways I had LONG prayed and pleaded for.

Discovering Freedom

Newly released from my mental and emotional prison, I began pressing forward discovering where my new freedom would lead me. Along with that the ‘ebbs’ also continued through life’s challenges that returned the lump to my throat and severely restricted the love and light that flowed from me.

However with such beautiful memories fresh in my mind, I find each time the strength to humbly press forward staying in tune with God’s commandments even as I reach out and reclaim the Mercy God offers. I now reach heavenward with my heart knowing that even during trials, He will reach back with comfort, guidance, and peace. And the lumps become bridges to my Savior, drawing me closer and closer to Him. So while I still fervently pray for a new financial season for our family, more and more I can sincerely say with James,

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. (James 1:2-4)

Love at Home?

10/10/10 (In honor of a truly perfect day!)

On page 294 of the LDS Hymn book, there’s a lovely song called, “Love at Home”, whose text and music were composed by John Hugh McNaughton, 1829-1891.

1. There is beauty all around
When there's love at home;
There is joy in ev'ry sound
When there's love at home.
Peace and plenty here abide,
Smiling sweet on ev'ry side.
Time doth softly, sweetly glide
When there's love at home.
Love at home, love at home;
Time doth softly, sweetly glide
When there's love at home.

2. In the cottage there is joy
When there's love at home;
Hate and envy ne'er annoy
When there's love at home.
Roses bloom beneath our feet;
All the earth's a garden sweet,
Making life a bliss complete
When there's love at home.
Love at home, love at home;
Making life a bliss complete
When there's love at home.

3. Kindly heaven smiles above
When there's love at home;
All the world is filled with love
When there's love at home.
Sweeter sings the brooklet by;
Brighter beams the azure sky.
Oh, there's One who smiles on high
When there's love at home.
Love at home, love at home;
Oh, there's One who smiles on high
When there's love at home.

It hasn’t been one of my favorites for a long time. I mean, honestly, WHO REALLY has a family like that???

Recently, however, I was blessed with several days where God’s love filled my soul to overflowing. (I’m still working on explaining how that came about. Sorry, you’ll have to wait.) It was like hiking to the top of a tall mountain and looking down on the place where you spend most of your days living and working and eating and sleeping. And suddenly the place you thought you knew, looks very different and you can never live your life the same way again.

I feel extremely blessed to have a testimony of the Savior’s Restored Church. Every vestige of doubt has been removed from my mind and heart even as I continue to grow in my understanding of the Principles and Ordinances therein. But this experience truly humbled me as I realized how limited was my understanding of God and how He loves and cares for His children. I'm beginning to realize that when the Lord says "where much is given, much is required," He also means that we should work as hard at obeying His commandments as we do at just comprehending and enjoying the unfathomable love He offers us, His children.

So now the other day I had the phrase “Hate and envy ne'er annoy” in my mind, and I realized that this song is impactful on more than one level.

Societies need ideals in order to flourish. I really believe that families can be like this. Are they? Probably not. But this song paints a beautiful picture of how lofty our goals can be.

On another level, however, just because we or those around us are struggling with human weaknesses doesn’t mean we can’t feel joy and peace and plenty. Certainly “Hate and envy” in those around us or even within us will “ne'er annoy” if our homes are regularly filled with love. Fighting children won’t draw the love from our heart, we’ll see them as God does. Personal thoughts of envy or other vices won’t stay long, we’ll see ourselves as God does. Roses can “bloom beneath our feet” and “there’s One who smiles on high” even if tragedy is also afoot. We’ll see the beauty of how the experience is fashioning us for the eternities. Gratitude and a commitment to following the path of beauty, peace and plenty will always bring the Love of God in our hearts and homes.

Thanks, Brother McNaughton, for such a lovely and lofty new view of the place where I live. And despite my personal history with your song, it is my sincerest prayer that I will never live my life the same way again and that the most important question I can ask will be,

“Is there Love at Home?”

Tower Construction

A few months ago my dear friend Keelee M shared this quote with me (via text, if you can believe it!) from Lies Homeschooling Moms Believe by Todd Wilson. “Every homeschooling mom needs to have a like-minded friend to help protect her against the lies of the enemy (hope this makes sense without knowing the list of lies). By like-minded, I mean someone who home schools for the same reasons. ... if you're around someone whose chief purpose is to provide quality academics, which isn't your chief purpose, you're probably going to come away feeling discouraged. Why? Because your goals are different which means your daily methods are different as well as how you measure success. ... If you don't have a like-minded friend, ...You will always be questioning your goals and methods. ... if you have a friendship with a homeschooling mom who home schools for the same reasons you do, you'll be able to be with non like-minded friends and stand tall.“ At the end she says, “Verena, thank you for being my like-minded friend. ~Keelee”

This past few weeks I’ve felt the meaning of this quote keenly. This Fall our family activities shuffled around quite a bit, taking on some activities and saying no to others as we focused our priorities on what was most important for our family during this season of our lives. Gratefully, we have made friends with some new and wonderful families. As a mom I have rejoiced to find moms who are like-minded, home schooling for the same reasons, and therefore with the same methods, as I do. I am grateful God directed us together. They truly inspire me. (wait for it . . .) But the connections have been made primarily outside of TJEd community that we had, for many years, immersed ourselves within. It’s been fun, and I see SO many of the TJEd principles being applied within the homes of our new found friends. Yesterday, however, I really began to feel the effects of the shift of associations to those outside of the TJEd community.

Oliver & Rachel DeMille explain the purpose of adulthood as follows, “Leadership Education demands of the adult two new things, not just one. He is required to build two towers. This will take everything he has to give, and will push him to his limits. The two towers that he is to build are a family and an organization (as entrepreneur or intrapeneur)” (Leadership Education, 253). So while I have thoroughly enjoyed sharing with my new friends as we worked together to build our ‘family’ tower, our focus has been almost exclusively on this first pillar. I sincerely sense the lack of quality companionship as I build my second tower. I look forward to this new challenge to re-build the community that will assist my second tower construction.

Tell me about your like-minded friends and how they are helping you build your two towers!

Everything I Need to Know to be an Adult . . .

. . . I Learned in my Childbirth Education Classes.

As my childbearing years move further and further into my past, many of the lessons I learned while teaching my Childbirth Classes never seem to fade. In so many ways childbirth is a rite of passage to adulthood. While admittedly not the only ‘rite of passage’ that can teach these lessons, these lessons can have a powerful impact on the myriad of other experiences one faces as an adult.

Here are some of my favorite childbearing related quotes and how they apply to my life now. And yes, that stuff in the ( ) is the page number I found it on. THAT lesson I learned in college. =]

People are often too unwilling to trust their own judgment. It is essential for responsible adults to be able to say, ‘Okay, I have gotten as much information as I can get. I have talked to people. I’ve read. I’ve thought about it. Now I am going to trust my judgment.

David Stewart & Lee Stewart Safe Alternatives in Childbirth (215-16)

In our society where so many experts in every field disagree, it is imperative during times of important decisions for us to do the hard work of study, evaluation, and then trust in your own reasoning and conclusions. We are capable of and personally responsible for making decisions, even if that decision disagrees with some experts.

Where is the proper dividing line between what people can do for themselves or with the help of friends and family, and what they require professional help for?

Dr. Michel Odent The De-Medicalization of Childbirth

Similar to the previous one, only WE can make our decisions and some decisions are acute enough that they require an expert and some really are best ‘home grown’ by our friends and family.

The effect on the baby of a few hours of drugs during labor is not nearly as potentially damaging, in my opinion, as nine months of poor diet in pregnancy.

David Stewart & Lee Stewart Safe Alternatives in Childbirth (109)

Some decisions, while impactful, are less important in the long run that the choices we make every single day.

Generally speaking, mechanical assistance is rarely needed, but psychological or emotional support to the mother is almost always in order.

Gregory J. White, M.D. Emergency Childbirth (VI)

Our society tends to jump to extremes with everything assuming the worst case scenario, when more often than not we just need a little nudge in the right direction.

Birth is a slow, individual process, to be savored and enjoyed slowly. The safety of the process is MOST THREATENED BY RUSHING MOTHER NATURE.

Marjie and Jay Hathaway, AAHCC Children at Birth (68)

Life IS an individual process and trying to follow an imposed time line almost always leads to disaster.

Taking analgesics during transition is not good timing for the baby, since the peak effect may occur around delivery time and depress baby’s breathing. From your point of view, by the time the shot takes effect, transition is likely to be over and the medication may then compromise your ability to participate fully in the pushing stage.

William and Martha Sears The Birth Book (219)

I would add to this from Pam England’s book Birthing From Within that the natural endorphins produced through relaxation and natural pain relieving methods disappear immediately with medical pain relief and stick around for 2 weeks after a birth without.

Under normal circumstances, patience and endurance always yield the very best results.

One of the problems is that nature intended children to be born alive, and, irrespective of what you do, they usually survive.

David Stewart & Lee Stewart Safe Alternatives in Childbirth (109)

Life was meant to be good. Experts didn’t invent that. That’s all I have to say about that.

There is a secret in our society, and it's not that childbirth is painful. It's that women are strong. ~ Laura Stavoe Harm

There is a secret in our society, and it's not that LIFE is painful or stressful or hard or even that it’s going to get harder!

(Please, it's REALLY NOT a surprise!!)

It's that WE, with GOD, are
STRONG!!!